“F*CK – I’m doing it again,” I thought, as I traced my memory back to an experience I had days prior, in an attempt to share one of the powerful insights I had experienced, wrapped in some supposedly-captivating story. But sharing stories and insights wasn’t the issue. The intention was always serve, share, connect, and inspire. The issue was the mental and emotional space I realized I was writing from.
No more proving. No more pleasing. Only playing, creating, and serving.
I stopped writing and decided to skim through some of my previous work with the hope of remembering why the f*ck I started writing and blogging in the first place (because I can’t not write and I can’t not blog), and who I was when I was sharing my voice back then.
“Authenticity“, my heart gently whispered to my head. “Share the journey; share the shit – remember.”
Riiiight. Duh. Naturally. I feel far more authentic, attuned, and aligned when I’m sharing the sh*t – and not just hiding behind the “good stuff”.
As I skimmed my “blog”, I felt a combination of inspiration, motivation, and deflation.
17 published blogs posts, and 63 drafts. I had written 80 f*cking blogs posts, 63 of which I had not published for whatever reason – fear or perfectionism or procrastination perhaps. Perfection is procrastination in pretty clothing. And fear, I love you, but you can f*ck right off – I got this. No more. It was time to get really real, and with that simple and profound decision, I remembered my “why” – I remembered why I had bothered to sit down in front of my laptop for all those hours and write, and record those videos once a week for all those months, and have all those transformational coaching conversations, and watch all those YouTube videos, and read all those books, and join all those group coaching calls, and host all those events, and take all those bold and frightening leaps.
To inspire, to liberate, and to revolutionize the way we do life, business, and relationships – authentically. And, because I can’t not inspire, not liberate, not write, not speak, not serve, not create, not entertain. It’s not just what I dooooooo, it’s who I beeeeeee.
I decided, during my 5 month stay in Ubud, Bali, that I would attempt to embrace and embody a sort of “radical” authenticity in the hope of living a really “rad” and really authentic life, and creating a really rad and really authentic business.
Easier said than done. The norm in our society seems to be to please and avoid discomfort and uncertainty at all costs. And if you dare to embrace radical authenticity (or authenticity at all), you’re likely to face raised eyebrows, gasps, judgement, backlash. So instead of speaking and expressing what’s really true and really real, we embody some watered-down version of ourselves – to fit in, to keep up appearances (or just keep up), to be accepted, and to receive “love”.
You’re kinda damned if you do, and definitely damned if you don’t…
When you don’t, you find yourself feeling separated, comparing yourself to your seemingly-perfect peers and gurus, and feeling disconnected – from yourself, from your tribe, from your life, and from reality. Pleasing instead of living and being.
No thank you.
I’d rather be real and be”me” than please and be “liked”.
“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.” – Mark Twain.
I found myself on the side of the majority – firing off some flaky and disappointing blog post about my experience in Bali and Kuala Lumpur – and I decided to pause and reflect.
And here were are…
In full reality, and in honour of radical realness and authenticity, I’m “sharing the sh*t”…
- I’m recovering from a “failed” business endeavor – an entrepreneurial project that I packed up my life and put my personal brand and business on hold to pursue. I bet on it, I played full-on, and it “failed”. But, I believe I’m better, wiser, and stronger because of it. I’ll be more certain once I reflect on what I gained from the experience.
- I feel slightly defeated, deflated, and confused about what’s next for me – it’s kinda like a bad breakup after a relationship you were certain had met “the one” and you were all in. That’s the power of having (and not having) a definite sense of purpose.
- I’m somehow thriving and barely surviving all at the same time – one of the pros of a positive attitude, a strong support system, a charismatic personality, and the fact that my humble and broke beginnings as a child quickly taught me how to turn nothing into something.
- I’ve got debt and deadlines weighing on me – student loans, interest on student loans, investments in personal development opportunities, etc. Not nearly as bad as it could be though.
- My integrity as a person and a professional is likely in question at the moment – when I found myself disconnected from my Self, I started slipping, and so to did my integrity and self-respect.
- I’m trying to end the stretch of resistance and procrastination I’ve had around my desire to fully embody the makings of a brilliantly-bad-ass and radically-authentic writer, coach, speaker, facilitator, entrepreneur, and human being. “Turning pro”, as Steven Pressfield would say. This one’s particularly tricky, because I’ve been “out of the game” for a minute – so to speak – and my pitch and swing are feeling a little rusty. Still I rise.
And, I’m currently contemplating whether I should spend the night in, or throw on something sexy, go out, and bump and grind – to feel sexy, and free, and fun, and good.
A pro would be in bed already – or they’d be creating, so I guess I’m sort of a pro.
It’s after 11PM, and I’ve just had a Red Bull.
I don’t think pros stay up till 11PM, and I don’t think pros drink Red Bull.
I’m a work in progress.
I can hear the voices of those I look up to and who’ve mentored me – those who’ve chosen to “turn pro” – speaking taunting words of integrity in my head – “I guess you don’t really want it, and you don’t really care.”
*I decided to stay in.* Pros stay in – I think. It felt like an aligned decision.
I imagine this is the sh*t we don’t talk about on our journey to creating the lives, careers, businesses, bodies, and relationships of our dreams – the sh*t we don’t talk about while we’re in the sh*t.
This is the sh*t that makes us human, and makes this life, and brings us together.
The habits we strive to break, the old identities and old stories we have to shake, and the challenging decisions we have to make.
The struggle is real, and after a lengthy hiatus, I’m back (I hope).
And I’m sharing the sh*t – while I’m in it.
It. Just. Got. Reno.